From the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar:
Questions and Announcements:
About the zoo: What time is the 5:00 sea lion show? Are there mosquitoes in your zoo? Can I just take a look around before I go in? So do you, like, have a zoo here or something? (questions asked of employees at the ZooQuarium on Cape Cod)
On families we wouldn't want to be part of: Lost: Small apricot poodle -- Reward. Neutered, like one of the family. (notice in Florida newspaper)
Speeches:
American businessman is beginning speech with thing called joke. I am not certain why, but all American businessmen believe it necessary to start speech with joke. (Pause) He is telling joke now, but frankly, you wouldn't understand it, so I won't translate it. He thinks I am telling you the joke now. (Pause) The polite thing to do when he finishes is to laugh. (Pause) He is getting closer. (Pause) Now! (Audience laughs and gives speaker standing ovation) Source: translation of an exective's speech in Japan, as quoted in Do's and Taboos of Hosting International Visitors by Roger Axtell.
On winning and sports:
Insightful explanations of what "fastest" means: Schumacher is the fastest man on the track. He's going round quicker than anybody else. (auto racing announcer Murray Walker)
Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw. (sportscaster Ron Atkinson)
Athletes:
Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious. (Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team)
He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is. (boxing trainer Lou Duva, on heavyweight Andrew Golata's strict training schedule, thanks to Dan Rutz)
The virtual world:
If you wish to receive items that are difficult to send by e-mail, such as samples of new soyfood products, please include your name and postal address. (Soyfoods USA, Vol. 4, No. 1, Feb. 1999)
On ethics:
Do not mistake bribe-taking for corruption. (Russian interior minister Vladimir Rushaylo, denying that many Russian officials are corrupt, thanks to James Lovegren.)
Politicians:
My mother always made it clear to my sister and me that men and women were equal -- if not more so. (Al Gore, former VP of the US)
That's not a lie. It's a terminological inexactitude. (Alexander Haig in a television news interview)
The courtroom:
Judge: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
Defendant: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it. (actual courtroom testimony)
